Check me out -
I'm basking in the glow of a bright sun, eyes closed, the warm breeze on my face as my chains slip away and crash to the ground. Metaphorically though, yeah? None of that stuff is conducive to writing a blog.
But I'm free. After, ooh, ten months, maybe? Of being sick in love, scared, anxious and all the other destructive shit that comes with it, It's over. I finally got my closure last night. But before I go on, I need to say something right now. This isn't a revenge blog. I wish her nothing but love and peace, and the few that know who I'm referring to in this post will be the only ones who will ever know. I'm writing this blog because I want a record of my feelings right at this moment, so I can look back if I need to and see the truth among the glamor...
Think of it as a magickal 'save point'.
I'm not proud in saying I broke a few hearts myself over my devotion to her, too. But ultimately, I was a ghost in her life - even when she seemed to really reciprocate what I was feeling wave for wave, I was still never allowed access to those parts of her life that really mattered to me. I became jealous of her friends for simply being able to walk by her side in daylight. Essentially, our 'interaction' kinda morphed into a bad version of Twilight.
I do, actually, have every right to be angry. I would have given her everything it was in my power to give, with unyielding loyalty and devotion - and I was treated terribly in return. Even last night - when she tells me, teary eyed, that she's 'not worth my feelings' and that 'she's not good enough for me' she didn't think enough of me to tell me the truth that I'd actually known for the previous two weeks. Cause and effect, my love - we've talked about it enough. A word here and a nod there, seemingly unrelated, can paint complex masterpieces of narrative in my head. It's a curse I live with.
I knew about him, I just didn't know how much he meant. That was part of the reason I deactivated my Facebook account. That also may be why, when her best friend decided to tell me about him shortly afterwards, she didn't get a shocked reaction. But I played along, and promised not to say anything. And I didn't.
I was too busy readjusting to the by then unfamiliar feeling of being free again...:)
JH
P.S. Oo - I DID learn something else important last night. I can SO rock black lipstick...
