Celebrate this.

To begin, my lovelies, a definition:


ce-leb-ri-ty  [suh-leb-ri-tee]
noun, plural
1. A famous or well-known person
2. Fame; renown.


That's from Dictionary.com. Mainly because I'm too fucking lazy to go look in one of my printed dictionaries, but I feel the time for snobbery is over when it comes to online reference material anyway. Enough safeguards are now in place to ensure that it's virtually impossible to pass off a suspicious fact or sliver of information without someone calling you out. You're not even allowed to write your own Wiki page, for cock's sake. How are people meant to know I was head of Star Command Sector 4D for over six hundred fucking years, knighted seventy-nine times (once by Orblox Hegsmull, High Admiral of the Pleiades Cluster for managing to sneak him a box of Turkish Delight for his daughter's wedding during the Great Sugar War of 2762), offered the position of High Chancellor of Venndyhszhhatryx (turned it down 'cos I couldn't fucking spell it and there was a lot of form filling involved) and that I was the first man to pilot a solo mission to the centre........excuse me once again. If there are any Americans reading - 'centre' is spelled CENTRE. C.E.N.T.R.FUCKING.E. Not 'center'. Spelling it that way makes you piss blood. Your stupid fucking US English spellchecker can suck my balls. As I was saying........I was the first man to pilot a solo mission to the centre of the Earth. Didn't see much. Caused an eruption that wiped out Spain in 2509 as well. Unfortunate. Ah well.


Temporal paradox aside, I apologise for going slightly off-track there. Back to the main 'thrust' of this post. The above definition of 'celebrity' was meant to have been my foundation for an ill-conceived rant about, well, this:

This is a clip from the British TV music quiz 'Never Mind The Buzzcocks' - and the girl sitting far left on the panel is called Amy Childs. It was this clip, and her in particular, that inspired this whole post. Watch it to the end - it's quite fascinating. It's the first time I'd ever had the pleasure of watching Miss Childs in action; I'm aware she's one of the 'stars' of a show called The Only Way Is Essex, which has been described as having a 'semi-reality' format. I can only take a guess as to what this means because nobody else seemed to have a goddamn clue either. Let's bottom line it. She's thick. As a fucking planet sandwich, so it goes. And this is clearly one of the reasons she's been invited onto NMTB - as comedy fodder. Fine. She's getting paid well enough for that. She also got to promote her minge-based accouterments, giving an in-depth explanation of their application and appeal. I happen to think she's onto something, because as we all know vaginas are soooooo fucking boring....


...NO, Amy. NO. Vaginas are NOT boring. Vaginas are fucking awesome magical wonder palaces and they happen to be one of my favouritest places to hang out, even more than Alton Towers. What the fuck do you want to mess around with something as wonderful as a vag for? You wouldn't hang multi-coloured fairy lights outside the fucking Acropolis, so you can take your Swarovski crystals or whatever they are and your hundreds and thousands and your glitter and fuck right off (Actually - I did look into having stainless steel balls inserted down each side of my penis a few years ago, just to add some 'built in' fun. Wasn't practical back then, but I'm still tempted).


So Amy...Amy, Amy, Amy. We've established that your IQ is QI, in as much as it's in direct relation to your dress size. I've often wondered how people who operate below a certain IQ level actually perceive the world around them. I'm guessing with Amy, it's like this:

Part of me is annoyed that this woman is classed as a 'celebrity'. But I had to then ask myself 'is that a result of some innate jealousy on my part?' and the honest answer, after many hours of contemplation, is HELL no. The positives of anonymity far outweigh the negatives. Then again, look at what I've chosen to do with my life - It puts me squarely in the firing line for that kind of criticism. Brand new show in the pipeline to be written and tested isn't going to maintain my anonymity for very long. And that leads me to the whole connecting point of this post. The original definition of celebrity reads 'A famous or well-known person. Well-known. That's all it is. If more than a few thousand people know who you are, you are a celebrity by default. So best of luck to Miss Childs there, and her magic muff sparkles. She fulfilled the criteria. The open ended, open to reinterpretation criteria that might just lead others to think 'hey, it doesn't matter HOW people know us, as long as they do.'


Could see some problems then. 


JH