Wow. 'Calling All Future Welsh Reality TV Stars.' I almost pissed myself with excitement. I immediately took a photo so I could share it with you. That's how brain-meltingly thrilled I am about this whole thing. And it was ME that spotted it. Yeah, me. They say that when opportunity knocks, you'd better be ready to open that there door, and you know me - I'm all about representin and keepin it real. Tru dat.
Oh yeah. I accidentally spray painted over the contact details on the picture, which means you won't be able to get in touch with them yourselves. I'm sorry about that, it was a total accident. I was colouring something in on Photoshop and my hand slipped. Sorry.
But hey - how fucking AMAZING is this? A REAL TV production company with cameras and clipboards and wankers and EVERYTHING want to find NEW REALITY TV STARS right where I live! I'm actually vomiting blood right now, I'm so excited. Hey - I know! let's take a closer look at the picture and see what it says! Yeah!
'Are you an undiscovered celebrity with a lot to say?' Wow. I guess so. I mean, I'm more famous than my cousin Wayne and he's kind of a legend in the world of double glazing, so yeah, maybe. And I write a blog, so I guess I DO have a lot to say. WOW! This is getting more and more exciting by the second! Someone stand behind me in case I faint. 'A big fish in a small pond?' Well I'm quite big, yeah. But I don't have a pond. But my mate Dixie does and it's pretty small. This job spec criteria thing is going well...
...oh for fuck's sake, I can't keep this shit up. What the fuck is wrong with the world? Why is there a need, a demand, for this kind of cranial stumpfuck? I have to LOOK OUTSIDE AND SEE THESE PRICKS EVERY FUCKING DAY FOR REAL, WALKING AROUND AND USING UP OXYGEN AND OTHER VITAL NATURAL RESOURCES. Why would I want to look at them on television as well? Yeah, I have a lot to fucking say. None of it is anything you clitslaps at True North would ever want to hear, I promise you. If you stuck a camera on me and followed me around I'd just be telling you on camera what a massive bunch of cunts you were. On camera.
Fuck you, True North. Fuck you for even thinking that this is something worthwhile to do with your time and skills. Even your stupid fucking poster is full of patronising shite. Like:
**Could you be the next star of a show like Geordie Shore, TOWIE or Chelsea?
First of all, those aren't 'shows'. They're brain rape. Secondly, those people aren't 'stars' - I've covered this in a previous blog post, where we learn that sadly, the tag of 'celebrity' is awarded to those who are merely well known for anything at all. NONE of them, and I MEAN NONE of them, are fucking 'stars' in any way, shape or form.
***True North Productions are looking for young Welsh people destined for great things!
Is that fucking right, is it? 'destined for great things?' Around these parts, being destined for greatness means either not ending up in court on coke and 'roid fuelled assault charges by the time you're 25 or managing to keep your kids out of care until they're in fucking primary school. It's a shame the world's like that. It's a shame these kids you want to throw fake dreams at are like that. But they're like that BECAUSE YOU AND ALL THE SHIT-MONGERS THAT CREATE THE SAME FUCKED-UP REALITIES AS YOU MADE THEM THIS WAY.
YOU DEFINE THEIR FUCKING REALITIES. Get it now?
Now take your little poster and fuck off.
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