Sounds Perfectly Treasonable To Me...

Saturday night...


...not only that - it's Bonfire night. November 5. I'm guessing that only means something in the UK - for those of you overseas lurkers that seem to be reading this blog - you lot in Russia especially take note - November 5 is a night of many traditions that all stem from a failed attempt to blow up our seat of Government, the Houses of Parliament, back in 1605. Thing is, nobody really knows the original motive. Back then, it most likely would have been something to do with religion. We all know what the fucking motive would be today, though. Anyway, if you're interested, here's the quick, sexy version of the original 'Gunpowder Plot', as told by a bloke in the pub:


"Well there's these five blokes, innit? There's yer Guy Fawkes, and four others what I don't know the names of but they're not fucking important anyway. They wanted to blow up the Government cos they'd been taxing the bollocks off the peasants and that, and they knew that November 5th it was gonna be packed cos it was the day they all come back off of Summer Holidays. See? Taking the fucking piss even then. Anyway. Some Lord called Monteagle gets a mysterious letter that says 'don't go to Parliament on the 5th' - sort of warning him to stay away, right? So he knows something's up and he's not fucking dull - if they blow up Parliament that's his cushy fucking job gone with it, innit? So he legs it down there, stopping to grab Sherlock Holmes on the way cos they were mates, see, and they both end up in the cellars under Parliament where they find a million barrels of gunpowder all stacked ready to blow and this bloke Guy Fawkes what done it all was there just finishing off the wiring to the detonator, cos they was gonna blow it from a distance, see? in a fucking van, probably. Anyway, they locked him up and he got done for treason with all those other blokes and they hung draw and quartered the poor fucker. That's when they hang you for a bit to soften you up and then cut you into four pieces and stick em on spikes around Buckingham Palace for the crows to peck at. I reckon it's high time some fucker had another go, though."


So that's why, on November 5 every year, we burn everything we can get our hands on, aim tens of thousands of dodgy Chinese fireworks at living room windows, passing cars and each other, and pretend we're enjoying ourselves. We're not, but It's tradition. And we're British, so we don't even think about saying 'that was fucking shit, I'm not doing that again next year'. We just pretend we had a nice time and never speak of it again. That's half the fucking reason we're in the mess we're in now - 'cos we're too busy being 'reserved' and not wanting to rock the boat. We'd rather take it out on each other after fifteen pints than stick it to the ones that are really responsible.


But this year, 2011, things are gonna take a turn for the interesting. As I type, there are thousands of protesters already assembled at Parliament Square in London - the vast majority of whom are wearing the iconic Guy Fawkes mask made famous in Alan Moore's 'V For Vendetta'...


Described as 'An International Symbol for Rebellion and Anonymity' the mask has been seen all over the world recently at many protest gatherings, and it's gonna be seen tonight in fucking droves. Oh yes. See, we've skirted around this long enough, never daring to voice what needs to be said or doing what needs to be done. It's not enough to say that the System needs 'readjustment'. The System needs complete fucking replacement. Tear it down and start again  with something that isn't so conducive to corruption and mismanagement. 


I can't be there (as much as I'd love to be) but I'm with you in spirit, kids. Have fun - here's to changing the world. Oh, and if anyone fancies nipping off to the X-Factor studios and smashing all the teeth out of Frankie Cocozza's mouth with a hammer, that'd be the perfect end to the evening.